I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
