So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
