I hate all girls vehemently.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
