Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
