...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
