I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
