So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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