i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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