I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize