I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i dont even know how to be here
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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