Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
