he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
