You smell like stripper and shame
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
