I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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