Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
