I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
