You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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