I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
high people should be assigned attendants
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
