So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
