also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
