new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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