your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Damn victory sex feels great
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
