i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
