he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
