How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
