i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
