Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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