Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
