with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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