Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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