Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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