some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
