my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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