Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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