I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
