Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
two words: eviction party
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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