we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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