I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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