Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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