I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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