theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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