ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
