maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
