I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
