you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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