i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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