how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
