I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
