i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
