this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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