Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
