Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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