4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
