Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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