just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
