I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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